Life is a continuous up and down, bumpy road. We can not see often what lies ahead of us because of the bump in the road that is towering over us. It is so powerful sometimes that it overshadows us. The only place we can look and see light is by looking straight up. Sometimes these bumps knock us down. The only thing to do when life knocks you down is to pray. This life is filled with little blessings though along the way. These blessings come in the form of family, friends, notes, words of encouragement, and a million other things. You just have to be still to see them.
I chose to write this after much contemplation for many reasons.
1. I love to write and it is an outlet for me.
2. I have read stories of others going through this and it has greatly encouraged me.
3. I hope to be an encouragement to someone who reads this.
4. I seek your prayers, not pity, by any means.
5. I desire to look back at this one day and see how God has used this "bump" in the road for His glory.
So here we go,
Here is that big capital "I" word that no one wants to speak of or even that big "M" word. If you are a woman, you know exactly what those words are. Yep, that's right Infertility and Miscarriage.
Here's our story:
Chris and I decided we were ready for a child and so July 2012 we started "trying." No stress, no worries, this should be a piece of cake! December 2012, New Year's Eve, I just "knew it." I took a pregnancy test and BAM! Pregnant. I was in shock. I ran out of the bathroom and told Chris. He was playing his Xbox. He immediately jumped up to see the test. I remember him pacing around upstairs. I think he was in disbelief, just like me! It happened pretty quickly...no problem-O!
I remember thinking what a blessing this was to happen so easily and quickly. I prayed each morning for this miracle but I also prayed for my friends who were "trying." I wanted them to experience what I was experiencing....a blessing that is indescribable!
On Friday, January 18, we went to our first doctor's appointment. Doctor said, "This is going to be a perfect pregnancy!" (Thanks for the encouragement doc.) We actually got to do an ultrasound because we were unsure just how far along I was. And to the ultrasound tech's surprise....we heard the best sound....it was beautiful. A little heartbeat....measuring at 6 weeks. We decided to tell our parents that weekend because we were so excited and just had to tell someone!
On Monday, January 21, I began to bleed (sorry tmi, but true). Luckily, it was MLK day and we were off from school. My mom took me to the doctor. Our little one was still in there but the heartbeat was declining. I was told to go home and prop my feet up and relax. Oh yeah! Relax? How can I do that? So for two days I laid there on the couch.....miserable. Tuesday I woke up and my pain and aches were all gone. No pain. I knew it was over. That morning, it happened. The BIG M word. Again, I went to the doctor with Chris and they confirmed it.
Hardest thing we have ever experienced as a couple. First time I have ever seen him cry.
Our hearts were broken, just shattered. No other way to describe it.
Doctor says that it is common for women to miscarry once. (Not encouraging, neither is it encouraging when people say, well at least you can get pregnant...by the way).They really don't start testing for things until it has happened twice. (Oh No! There is no way I can go through this pain again.)
Slowly, bit by bit, piece by piece, we picked up ourselves and moved forward. Looking back, we were so blessed to see our little miracle even just for a moment. We will forever have an angel watching over us. We will one day be reunited in heaven with our baby and that gives us hope.
Our Little Blessing
Then....fast forward to this summer. All in a whirlwind, this all happened so quickly. I made an appointment to see my gyno because of my long cycles. When I went, I suspected I was pregnant, so they did a blood test to check my hcg levels. They called the next day and said yes, i was pregnant but said the levels were really low and to come back on Monday to see if they went up like they were supposed to. Monday I went, Tuesday they called...levels were 0. In nurses terms, "failed pregnancy."
Sad? Yes. Frustrated? Oh yes! It happened so quickly this time that we really never had time to get excited and then let down again. Now we are at the point of just wanting answers.
Why is this happening?
Well a little blessing in disguise...luckily I had gone to the doctor on that specific day. Otherwise this would not have been recognized as my "Second" miscarriage. Remember, you have to have two before they do any tests. Didn't think I could go through this again and I did.
I have a doctor who I LOVE. She is awesome. She said she can be aggressive with finding out what is going on or sit back, its up to me. We chose the first choice. So she did all the hormone tests, everything came back "normal." I go in a few short weeks for more tests, including an ultrasound and blood tests.
So that is where we are now. Waiting. The hardest part. Waiting. And More Waiting. Praying. Waiting some more. Trying to stay busy. Waiting. Praying. It's been exactly one year of ttc.
I have rough days if I let it get the best of me. But I know that God is taking this Mess and is turning it into our Message so that He can be glorified. Glory be to Him and Him alone...no matter what.
I have so much more to type, but I will save it for another day, so I will leave you with this. This verse gives me peace during these difficult times. God knows what we need, just at the right time.
His grace is all we need and His power is magnified through my weakness.
